Im afraid. Im always afraid. Im a 23 year old over weight recovering agoraphobic out of therapy , living with her parents, struggling internally every day with self loathing and shame for who I am. When I think about getting a job, I panic, I worry, I stress, I bring myself to tears with fear, from my past experiences and how people in the outside world treat me. I grew up with so much hate from other people, so much negativity, that I hid inside myself and at some point became so introverted I lost almost everyone I had in my life and had to start over. I struggle to keep the people I love close to me, struggle to make them happy, struggle to be social, struggle to function normally and not look like a complete nutbag. Friends and family judge me, they all say they dont, but I see it, and I understand it to a point, but it hurts me. People look down on me because they think for one reason or another that my answer to my problems is simple, and im just not doing things right. I know what I need to do to lose weight, I know what I need to do to be happy, I know how to live a functional life, but my brain just cant manage it. Its a paralyzing, thick mucky goo, this fear. It drags me down and keeps me there, like quick sand. I cant stand it. I hate it. I dont want to be this way. I dont think anyone would ever want to be this way. I want to work, I want to make money, move out of my parents house, have friends, and do things with them, form normal relationships, trust in people, function on a level of normality that right now I can only envy. In the past Ive pushed myself, ventured out, gotten jobs, tried to be social, but everything ends up the same way. I gradually become overwhelmed, to the point where my skin feels like needles, my arms hurt and become tight, my throat closes, it gets hot, my mind races, my fingers tingle, my chest hurts, and I panic. I panic, and I run. My last job, in retail, I enjoyed because I was making money , and people were proud of me, family was happy with me, but every day was a struggle, to choke back fear, and panic, and function, and carry on with work. After a while , I got sick, I got pneumonia , and I couldnt work for a week, when I was able to go back, I couldnt bring myself to do it. I was too afraid to even call them and quit, I just stopped going. I got panic attacks whenever my phone would ring for months after that, and I cant return there in fear of someone saying something to me. The job I had before that, I loved. I loved it so much. I was working in plus size retail, with big women , but I was the youngest, and had a hard time pushing their credit cards on people. After a while, I wasnt meeting the requirement, so they changed me to a stockroom person, which I was fine with, better for me actually, no people. The first day I was suppose to start doing stock, I called to get my schedule for the week, and they told me I had missed a day , which I was sure I hadn't, because I checked my schedule regularly, and wrote it down , but they said It was a no call no show, and fired me over the phone. I feel like it was a complete set up, and that they ruined something for me that could have been a great stepping stone out of my hole. Now I try to get work, pushing myself past the fear, like trying to walk with cement boots, through thick thigh high mud, and ive been to a couple interviews, but each time, ive gotten that look. The one that says ive decided right here, right now, that im not hireing you, because your fat, and because your fat im assuming your lazy, and worthless, and people dont want to see you or deal with you. Your not phsyically pleasing, and wont bring us business. They hired a girl a third my size with a third my experience, and never called me back, even to say they weren't interested. My family thinks Im lazy, and worthless, and doing nothing with my life, they're right, but they shouldn't think it. I cant even goto school, and try to become something, because sitting in a class, walking through the halls, interacting with other students, its the same thing. fear fear fear. I cant even apply or try to get loans, because I need help, and no one can help me. Im paralyzed from living my life, by fear, thicker than the blood running through my veins, denser than the earths crust, and as reluctant to quit as the rising of the sun. I cant get help, because I dont have insurance, and anyone who offers free counseling has just shoved pills down my throat, and they've never once improved my condition or my state of mind. I feel so trapped, and angry at being trapped, and angry at the people who are suppose to love and support me, for just judging me. Im visiting dark places on a daily bases. I feel like some angsty teenager whining for attention, so I dont talk to anyone anymore. I feel like a burden that no one wants to deal with. I feel like If I could follow through, this would be my suicide note, and Id tell you how sorry I was and how pathetic I am, and how everything will be better when Im gone. Not to worry, I cant do that either, Im too afraid. I dont even know why Im writing this, I cant imagine a soul on this planet I could send it to, and not feel like a whiny burden for sharing, even perfect strangers dont want to hear my shit. I wish I could just disappear, vanish, fall off the face of the earth, and vanish from memory. Im tired of hating myself, and im tired of being afraid. I dont know how to get out of this. I cant even make myself feel productive with a work from home job, because all they do is scam scam scam. Im waiting for the silver lining, and I have been for years. I told myself when I was younger, and in this same position, that I would eventually just grow up, things would click, and I could live the way a normal person is supposed to. It took me far too long to realize thats not how it works. I wish someone could just rescue me.
Went to the state fair on saturday it was great. He might not offically be my boyfriend yet but he sure acts like it. Even at the fair he was holding my hand and kissing me in public. It was awesome. Im so glad we went, and Im so glad I met him. I keep waiting for something that turns me off about him, but everything i think is going to be a flaw just makes him more adorable and perfect. Hes so worldly. Down to earth,kindhearted, and lovable. not to mention perverted. We didnt even do much this weekend cuz i got my peroid saturday and he didnt push for anything or care, he was just content all weekend to cuddle and watch movies and we talked about more life stuff and I really dont think hes a player or a jerk or even just good at acting, I think hes genuinly a good person and I hope to odin he stays in my life. I feel so much happier when hes around. . LOL. We ate giant corn dogs and drank lemonaid and walked around and adam bought me a pack of incense and tried to win me a prize, it was so cute.He lost, but I won myself a prize right after so it was cool. and he says he really likes my family and that hes going to miss me when hes not here. Gahhhh Im so excited! and terrified at the same time!!! And I love you and wish you had been there with us! The monstertrucks were cool, and just walking around the fair was nice. listening to the music and the bright lights, all the funny looking people, all the cool shit, Anyway, just got home from taking adam back, god i love the way he smiles at me. It melts me instantly. I think this could be a really good thing. and I lost another 2lbs! 2lbs isnt much, but its still 2lbs! lololol!! the new undies i just bought are already falling off my butt,and I feel pretty regardless when Im with adam. Im still in shock at how down to earth and sweet he is, from what I expected by his lifestyle. Hes goofy and sweet and im pretty sure Ive already fallen for him big time. Gahhh! Im so happy! Maybe im just high.
Pic of us from the fair ^_^
I love Halloween, but this year doesn't even feel like Halloween I guess its because I dont have anything to do, other than sit infront of my computer with a halfassed resurrected costume from 2 years ago and give out candy.
I dont know if many people really know how sad having nothing going on for Halloween really makes me. Its the same as not having a birthday , or sleeping through Christmas, Id imagine for other people.
I feel stupid, having put on makeup and a costume to just sit around.
Bah! I guess Id feel even worse If I didnt get to atleast put on makeup and a costume, so , brightside, I suppose.
My best friends out at some bar with her family, and the guy I like isnt talking to me today, so I feel lonely.
Im going to curl up on the couch in my costume, with some breaking bad and long island ice tea's. Maybe play some video games I guess. Who fucking knows what will happen by the end of the night. I can only HOPE something comes up.
I met my ideal, I havnt been updating, but ill make a more detailed entry soon. . anyway we've been conversing over text for the last 2 weeks, flirting, chating, that stuff, we hung out this weekend and he was really sweet, down to earth, not pushy or needy, i didn't feel like he was only here for one thing, hung with the fam, we watched movies and cuddled, ended up kissing, cuddling, eventually fooled around, the whole time he was really affectionate and loving and flustered, i felt like he genuinely had an interest in me,so I asked him out, and he said "not yet" , i was kinda butthurt but took it with a grain of salt, cuz it wasnt an outright no, the rest of the night we continued to cuddle with movies and talk and be affectionate, when we took him home he didnt wanna leave, kissed me goodbye, told me to be safe, text him when I got home, kept turning back around for another kiss, looked into my eyes longingly , had a genuine lovesick look in his eyes, we finally parted, I texted when I got home, we both went to bed, and now the texts are few, less caring, less involved, we used to send hearts and smileys and all that sappy crap all day even if he was at work and theres been none of that on his part , and im completely confused.
Im usually a good read on people, he seemed really caring and genuine, he was adamant that he'd be back, that he liked me, all kinds of stuff, but now im getting MAJOR mixed signals, and im pretty much feeling crushed. Ive also decided that if this time doesnt pan out, im done trying.i feel like if my perfect guy comes into my life and i cant snag him up, I dont deserve love.
It was literally the best weekend Ive had in years, and Im terrified hes just another one of "those" guys now.
Im pretty sure I fell in love a bit.
just a bit.
but its there.
literally, hes PERFECT , only one thing I dislike, and he might get away
It fucking kills
I duno what to do
should I distance myself and just see what he does ?
should I keep trying to woo him?
We both thought the other was out of our league, and somehow we ended up here
and now i duno if im freaking out
or if hes blowing me off
I just wana cry
and I cant sleep
why would anyone be so loving and misleading if they were just going to fuck off
i cant fathom
being with him felt so right
god damnit I cant just let him fuck off
ID fight for him If I knew what I had standing in my way
maybe hes scared?
I wish I could be numb to love alltogether
not feel it
not need it
not envy those who have it when i dont
im tired of being the moth to the flame, I want to be the flame, I want to be chased, or loved, im tired of being the option, or the one night stand, I want to be important, or nothing at all. Im tired of being, if i have to be alone.